


all the things that i didn't say

by lezz1e



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: Getting Together, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, Reunions, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-04-25 19:57:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14386023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lezz1e/pseuds/lezz1e
Summary: Ling’s long black hair tangles up his thoughts and his eyes become an art piece at the centre of Edward’s mind. His laughs are put on the rhythm of Edward’s heart, Edward’s cheeks getting brighter and brighter as Ling wraps himself around Edward’s mind and makes himself home there- like he usually does.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> im cheesy. honestly if you dont like cheesy things dont read this because that is all this is. 
> 
> based on [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YA1LwvAfJVA)
> 
> i think. this will be like 3-4 chaps long but i cant say for sure.

Edward sighs, his arms stretching out as he lays back on roof with his feet propping himself away from the edge. The hot tiles underneath his body nipping, digging and biting into his back as if he was something to be consumed. With heat making sweat gloss over his body like a hot lotion, he hums in content before throwing a hand over his closed eyes.

Ling floods into his mind again, like he usually does.

Ling’s long black hair tangles up his thoughts and his eyes become an art piece at the centre of Edward’s mind. His laughs are put on the rhythm of Edward’s heart, Edward’s cheeks getting brighter and brighter as Ling wraps himself around Edward’s mind and makes himself home there- like he usually does.  

“Have you fixed that roof yet?” Winry asks from below, her tone accusatory and hard, her hands probably on her hips with her finger pointed at him. Edward’s stomach jumps as Winry pulls him out of his fantasies, the afterthought of Ling still making his head spin.

He grumbles beneath his breath before knocking his head back onto the roof. His hands scrubbing at his face as if it was a kitchen desktop: frantically trying to erase his romantic feelings for Ling and make it a clean, platonic surface.

He’s done it again. Thought about a man who he hadn’t seen in months as if they were together.

They weren’t even together in the past, let alone the present.

“Yes Winry, I’ve fixed the roof,” Edward replies exasperatedly before lifting the arm that wasn’t covering his eyes and sticking up his middle finger to her.

* * *

 “Ed! Drink your milk!” Winry yells, setting her own bottle of milk roughly on the table. Her mouth locked in a stubborn pout as Edward glared at her.

“No, I’m an adult I choose what I drink and what I don’t,” Edward replies, straightening out his back as if to look professional. His lips naturally turning into a childish pout as the huff that he’s had since he was five years old makes an appearance.

“Urgh, when is Al going to be back? He’s much better at keeping you under control,” Winry says, rocking backwards on her chair dangerously before Pinako pushes her chair forward so all of the legs were on the ground. Her sigh light, and almost an alternate universe away from the sighs she used to have when Edward and Al were leaving to get into all sorts of trouble.

The thought of Winry being able to relax, and not worry about him and Al anymore, making Edward smile lightly- only the corners lifting to mask his smile and keep his stubborn front on to Winry.

Idly, Edward picks up his cutlery to start eating again, his fork nearly touching his bottom lip before his mind wanders to Ling again, whether he’s able to relax.

Wanders to whether he’s okay, wondering if being emperor is too much on him- no it’s Ling, it’s not too much- if anything it might not be enough. Wonders if Ling’s physically okay: what if he’s hurt himself or something? No, he’s Ling. Even if he has been hurt, Lan Fan and Mei are there to take care of him. What if Lan Fan or Mei have been hurt? He would need emotional support if that happened, but Edward’s not exactly the best guy for that. What if he needs a friend? No, he’s got Lan Fan, Mei and if he ever needed anything he’d contact them.

“Not even Al can get him to drink milk,” Pinako comments, his tone filled with fake disappointment and followed by laughter.

The laughter jumped over Edward’s head as his concerns moved from Ling to himself.

His heart weeping as he thought about getting over Ling, but screaming when he thought about staying mindlessly, hopelessly in love with him. Snarls corrupting his face as self-pity settled deep in his chest. The tugging of his heart on another that was a desert away feeling like it was ripping him in two. Tangled black hair swarming around his brain, making him feel suffocated.

“What are you thinking so hard about?” Pinako asks, her voice laced with curiosity but strangely also with omniscience, as if she knew the cause and the solution.

“Nothing,” Edward says, out of instinct. His eyes wide and flickering around the room like a bomb about to blow. His insides crawling inside his body like a swarm of bees trying to escape and let everyone know how sappy, lovey, fucking soppy he was.

Pinako hums, her eyes immediately landing on Winry who shrugged, the same curiosity and omniscience etched on her face.

* * *

 Edward tries to sleep. His eyes are closed and ready for sleep to take him for a couple of hours, but instead he’s in the arms of Ling again.

His eyes cover ever inch of Edward’s mind like wallpaper, his voice a song played in the background and his dreamt hands linking and entwining with Edward’s dreamt hands. Words and touches Edward had never gotten being granted to him like it was his birthday, like he deserved them- like Ling had wanted to have them back.

Edward grumbles, pushing his pillow into his head as an attempt to push his thoughts away, but instead it just reinforces the fabricated romance in his mind.

Ling, his hair sprawled across the pillow with the edges curling around his jaw and Edward’s fingers. His lips pulled into a beautiful smile, a smile made for Edward. His hand pushed out in front of him to slide in between Edwards. His lips curling over his words like they were spells before his lips curled over Edward’s.

Edward huffs, throwing his duvet off him and firmly planting his feet onto the floor. His face forcibly turning determined and stubborn. His head hurting from the lack of sleep and his heart hurting from the lack of Ling.

His feet stomp down the stairs with purpose, each footstep trying to stomp out any and every thought of Ling. His mind completely, and utterly focused on one thing and one thing only: getting a glass of water (and not Ling, he wasn’t thinking about Ling).

Water gushes down from the tap, the sound rude and loud against the quiet of the house. The low protesting sounds of the tap too loud and making Edward’s head crackle with frustration. His hands cluttering through the cupboards for a glass, his lips twitching every time he made an unneccesary sound, the thought of waking either Pinako or Winry up a scary one.

“Sorry, I took the last one, I was so thirsty!” A voice says from the table, low and exclusive. The edges of it playful and twisting up to the sound that plagued Edward’s ears day and night.

Edward’s heart stops, his chest becoming tight with a strong urge to pull Ling into his arms and squeeze him until nothing was left. His eyes quickly turning to try and catch every part of Ling’s appearance. His feet almost scared to move, scared that if he moved Ling would disappear, again.

“Ling?” Edward asks, just in case. A deep and thankful breath escaping him as Ling waves, his smile natural and soft. As if it was normal to break into a friend’s house, reside in their kitchen and borrow a glass.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So, you picked Resembool!” Edward replies with an accusatory tone, his voice as frustrated and panicked as a whisper could be. His hands clutching at the tap tightly, worried that if he let go he would storm over to Ling and wrap his arms around his shoulders like he was glued to him.
> 
> “Well you’re here aren’t you?” Ling explains, conveniently picking up his glass of water and gulping it down in one go. His speech fast, as if the words were lurking in his mouth, waiting for Ling to let his guard down and attack the receiver.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is funny because every time ling says something ed is like 'STOP IT IM TOO FU-fuc_fucking bi for this. too- fuck. bi. ling hot'. 
> 
> also i want to clarify that in this fic its been a couple of years since the promise day but ed's seen ling since then but its been large reunions where they couldn't really talk properly- also neither of them were brave enough rip.

Edward takes a deep breath, his eyebrows twitching with confusion and his hands gripping onto the tap for a tether to his sanity. His mind screaming useless, stupid and utter bullshit at him: it wasn’t a coincidence that he’s thought about Ling all day, it was a sign.

It was a sign that he didn’t have to do this anymore. He didn’t have to waddle through his life with a nagging, requited and uncompleted love dragging at the back of his brain. He didn’t have to wonder whether if he kissed Ling at that moment or slipped his fingers over Ling’s at that moment that it could have been different. He could make it different.

He could make his love life like every other aspect of his life: forward and risky with consequences coming after. He could kiss Ling at this moment and slip his fingers over Ling’s at the same time. He could plait Ling’s hair like his dream counterpart did. He could say the words that have been sitting on his tongue, waiting and waiting for Edward to drag up the courage to say them.

He could have that courage. He was an adult now, he could do that right?

He could tell Ling that he was so, incredibly, pissed at him for leaving without a conclusion- without anything to crumble the tension between them. Not even an acknowledgement that anything happened at all.

Edward sometimes sat up at night, his head drowsy and begging for sleep while his brain tried to tell him that he made up the looks and the touches that lingered too long. That the smiles that were reserved to him, Edward Elric, and nobody else were just something his dreams fabricated and pushed into his memories as to remove the pity he had for himself.

It pissed him off for a long time.

“What the fuck, what are you-” Edward asks, his voice loud and shriek before he pauses, anxiety pooling in his stomach as he thinks about the possibility of waking Pinako or Winry up. His eyes quickly moving to the stairs, his breath quiet and his ears waiting to hear movement from upstairs.

“Well, even emperors are allowed to have holidays!” Ling says, his voice booming so loud that it was more applicable to concert than a quiet night in a sleeping countryside house. His hands slapping onto the wood, making a loud and boisterous noise. His smile wide and playful: somehow knowing that he should be quiet and being oblivious to his peaceful surroundings all at once.

Edward sighs, his fingers rubbing into his forehead as he wills his stomach to stop swirling as his heart to slow down. His lips disobeying his brain (to stay calm- to stay focused on the fact that Ling is a humungous dick who knows to shut up but will not) and forming into an elated smile, the edges too soft and too subtle.

“So, you picked Resembool!” Edward replies with an accusatory tone, his voice as frustrated and panicked as a whisper could be. His hands clutching at the tap tightly, worried that if he let go he would storm over to Ling and wrap his arms around his shoulders like he was glued to him.

“Well you’re here aren’t you?” Ling explains, conveniently picking up his glass of water and gulping it down in one go. His speech fast, as if the words were lurking in his mouth, waiting for Ling to let his guard down and attack the receiver.

Edward’s chest explodes. Ling’s words, Ling’s face, Ling’s voice rolling around his head like a movie reel. Swallowing down the liquid in his throat, Edward’s lips betray him and curl wider and higher on his face. His legs feeling like jelly and his hands fiddling with each other to fight the urge to fiddle with Ling’s.

“It’s. It’s only for three days. You can put up with me for that long right?” Ling asks, setting his glass down on the table. His eyes glossy with something Edward can’t decipher- something regretful, yearning and soft.

Edward nods almost immediately. Forgetting to think about Pinako or Winry, his mind running on his own desire and his logic reforming so that it had a centre- Ling.

He holds out his hand for Ling’s glass, turning the tap on again so he could wash it. His thumbs running over the glass slowly as his mind wavered from cleaning and into happiness. The thought of spending the next three days, playing around with Ling, making his fifteen-year-old self bloom and wither at the same time.

That boy, the boy that saved Amestris with the boy sharing a body with a homunculus, would be deconstructed into nothing. That relationship that they had, that was wrapped around with teenage ribbon and teenage stubbornness would be torn apart. Then it would be reconstructed, like alchemy. Times that they once had would mingle into new ones, remembrance of old times fuelling them into childish reliving and the making of memories that were neither new or old.

“We don’t mind how many days Ling, we’d love to have you here! Just give us notice next time!” Winry calls from the stairway, making Edward’s head turn robotically, expecting to be yelled at for waking her up. His face settling as Winry smiles at them both, that curious but omniscient look smoothing across her face.

“Now that wouldn’t be much fun would it!” Ling tells her, lifting audibly from his seat and walking over to her with his hand held out for a handshake. His beautiful (and playful as ever) chuckle escaping his lips and making Winry smile in return.

“You haven’t changed! You’re meant to be a responsible emperor now!” Winry chides, poking at his chest lightly. Her smile betraying her words, the comfort of Ling staying as he’s always been clear on her face: the same look adorning Ling’s.

“I am responsible!” Ling protests, jumping into Winry’s fake chiding game. His finger pointing to the air as if it was some sort of example of being responsible and his cheeks puffing out as if he had stuffed nuts into them.

The scene making Edward warm. His heart burning softly in his chest, the pain of them growing old and nothing ever really changing (days go past and Edward’s still doing the same thing he’s been doing since the promise day- he could be doing so much more and yet he doesn’t) being overcast by the joy that they never change- they are always them and nothing has ever been able to change that.

“You sound like Ed,” Winry says, her booming too-loud-for-life laugh tumbling off her tongue. Ling joining in as Edward gapes like he’s a baby that has been robbed of his dummy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also. i think this will be longer than 4 chaps because. al was supposed to be in this chapter. also im gonna try and update as soon as i can bc im one of Those Authors that starts a multichap and never fucking finishes it and i Do Not want that to happen this time around.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edward thinks to himself that maybe he owes his fifteen-year-old self this. Owes his childhood this. His old self gave him an arm, a happy body owning brother and the right to say that he saved a country- he owed him this. He owed himself closure to this, to this thing that him and Ling had (has).

“Strange place for you to pick for a holiday,” Pinako comments, placing a glass of milk in front of Ling before plonking herself onto a chair. Her eyes trying to scan why he was here, her fingers tapping against the wood impatiently.

Edward’s eyes move from Ling to Pinako quickly, the tension between them as thick as syrup. The hostility crawling into Pinako’s voice fuelling Ling’s fake pleasantries. The tapping of Pinako’s fingers combined with the sound of Ling scrapping his feet repeatedly against the floor silencing the birds and cars outside.

The tension apparently so tangible that the cars and birds outside could sense it and wanted to either watch it happen or keep out of it.

Their eyes meet, and the cars begin to roar in the background once again, like an audience reacting to a play. Some of the birds hesitantly tweeting from just outside the window, trying to erase the uncomfortable, rigidity of the atmosphere.

Edward slowly and carefully chews on his food, his bites slow and soft to try and keep himself out of it. His presence feeling both unwanted and intrusive.

He sighs, a pout spreading across his face. Fuck him for wanting to eat, right?

“It’s nice and quiet, far away from any trouble and Ed and Al are here!” Ling exclaims, his feet abruptly stopping. His voice too sweet and too polite to be natural, his smile too frosted and doll like to resemble any sign of him being comfortable in his surroundings.

Edward’s stomach churns as if his insides were the ingredients of a cake and Ling was the spatula, his mouth opening to speak to try and get Pinako off Ling’s back. His previous need to stay uninvolved dissolving and replaced with a need to force himself into the situation and make Ling comfortable again.

“I don’t know, Ed and Al somehow make trouble here, so I have no doubt you can too,” Winry comments, interrupting Ed before he could even form a sentence in his mind. Her hands waving around the room dramatically before swinging the fridge door open to grab a milk bottle from it.

Her words demolishing the tension in the room, her obliviousness to the conversation something that had to be guarded.

“When you are in my house you respect us, breaking in here and waking both Winry and Ed up is not respecting the people in it. I hope you have a good holiday here Ling,” Pinako says, deleting the hostility she had for Ling in an instant. Her voice chiding as if Ling was a child, the huff following it making it clear that she still thought of him as a child.

The protectiveness of Winry’s obliviousness making it clear that she still thought that they were all children.

Edward doubted that she would ever stop chiding them or tutting in that way she did when they were being childish.

“Granny he’s not a child,” Edward says before continuing to eat his breakfast. A smile tugging at his lips as Ling’s eyebrows twitched with reflection, his lips twisting and turning as he thought of something appropriate to say back to Pinako.

“Your childhoods were robbed from you, so I’m giving you them back,” Pinako states, making the three of them pause. An identical look of thankfulness and shock painting across their faces, smiles pulling across their faces in varying degrees (Ling’s wide, Winry’s full of tooth and Edward’s soft).

Edward bites at his gum and looks down to his breakfast. His childhood, the experiences he should have had and the experiences that he shouldn’t have had flooding his mind. Swirling sensations wracking through his stomach as he thought about how it was his fault. It was his fault that he missed out on those experiences. It’s his fault that he had to go through that.

It’s his fault that Al had to go through that. It’s his fault that Al missed out.

He was the one who robbed their childhood: his, Al’s and Winry’s.

It weighed heavy in his stomach, like someone had shoved piles and piles of pebbles and had forced them down his throat. His chest tightening as his mind sunk deeper and deeper into the sea of regret. A snarl wraps around his face as he falls deep into it, his body reaching for air and his hands trying to push out to the surface.

A hand smooths over Edward’s shoulder, silently comforting him and easing his worries. Some of the pebbles filtering out of Edward’s stomach as Ling’s hand grips at his shoulder, the guilt-ridden thoughts slowly drifting away to the back of his mind as Ling smiles at him. The corners of the smile familiar and almost copied and pasted from Edward’s own face: guilt, regret and happiness that it was all over.

Edward thinks to himself that maybe he owes his fifteen-year-old self this. Owes his childhood this. His old self gave him an arm, a happy body owning brother and the right to say that he saved a country- he owed him this. He owed himself closure to this, to this thing that him and Ling had (has).

* * *

 

“Laundry is stressful,” Ling groans while trying to fold a duvet cover up, the wind having different ideas and pushing it into Ling’s face. His huffs and groans humorous and light as he tried time and time again to fold the same duvet cover up.

Edward laughs chestly, loud and long snorts erupting from him as the wind whacks the duvet back into Ling’s face again. His heart feeling light, the lightest he can ever remember it being. His teeth showing and his eyes squinting with happiness.

“We can’t all be emperors of Xing you know!” Edward yells, balling up the clothing in his hand and throwing it into Ling’s face. His laughter raising even more as Ling tears the clothing off his face and pouts at him. His eyes glossed with fake betrayal and his shoulders hunched dramatically.

Edward clutches his stomach as waves and waves of laughter wrack over him, his back hurling forward and his eyes closing with tears gathering at the seams.

“I’m going to get you,” Ling says with a monotone voice before slamming down the pile in his hands into the floor. Quickly sprinting over to Edward who was already a considerable amount away

“Hey! I wanna play!” Winry says, dropping her chores and running over to the two of them, the smile she had when she was little reappearing on her face.

Edward’s legs skim through the grass, the sun burning into his skin and his laughter too loud for his own ears. His heart turning soft, the thought of Ling catching him giving a rush for more of the sake of the game.  

* * *

 

Ling’s eyes are soft and wander across Edward’s face, the moonlight gracing his features and the stars twinkling in his iris’. His hands lay close to Edward’s, the proximity of them making Edward’s fingers burn and itch. Their knees lightly leaning on each other as they stargaze on the roof with drinks at their sides, the unspoken agreement (to stay unspoken about their feelings) suddenly diminished, as if it never existed.

“I think we’ve gotten into the habit of only speaking properly at night,” Ling comments, lifting his drink and slowly taking a sip. His hand lifting from where it almost touched Edward’s to take the sip, before landing back again, this time a little closer to Edward’s hand.

“Night time was Greed’s time off,” Edward says, pulling the hair band from his hair and shaking it out a little. His breath catching in his chest as Ling pauses, his eyes never leaving Edward and unblinking until Edward stopped shaking it.

Ling hums and purses his lips, the action making Edward’s heart speed up and his mouth unable to breathe (let alone speak). A small huff escapes him as Edward watches him, his eyebrows twitching in that way that made it obvious that he was thinking about too much, too quickly.

“Well if we’re speaking properly then,” Edward starts, his voice shaky and his head leaning forwards to break the eye contact he had with Ling.

“This unspoken thing that we have, needs to be spoken,” Edward says, closing his eyes as he says it to try and lessen his embarrassment. His mind screaming at him that he somehow made it all up, and that Ling wouldn’t know what the flying fuck he was saying and that this would just be really awkward and just make their relationship horrible and then they wouldn’t be friends and- that’s definitely worse than pining horribly, sappily and painfully for the rest of their friendship.

He lifts his head, pushes down every insecurity hitting into his brain like a hammer, and looks Ling in the eye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so. there was no actual point to the laundry seen but i needed it for my soul. also this is gonna be way fucking longer than i first anticipated what the fuck. again i was meant to get al into this chapter but i promise, i PROMISE he will be in the next one. 
> 
> next chapter: nick is revealed as a liar AGAIN because SOMEHOW he didn't get al into the next chapter because nicks TOO PRETENTIOUS!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edward sighs, his eyes taking in all of Ling. The long black hair swept up in a bun, his fringe licking at the sides of his face. The moon masking over it, making parts of it shine and bloom under the nights influence. Dark eyes that gloss over everything with a soft look, taking everything in like they were the petals of a huge flower. Shoulders strong and structured, with collarbones so prominent Edward was sure they'd been exaggerated on Ling's skin somehow.
> 
> And then they're eyes meet, and Edward realises Ling had been doing the same thing.

"We never had the choice to speak it," Ling says, his hands  nervously  gripping at the edges of the roof tiles, his smile turning into a regretful up turn of the corners of his lips.  His eyes flickering from Edward's to the star ridden sky and the moon that glossed them over like powdered icing sugar on top of a cake.

Edward hums, his lips shifting into a light frown.  The painful ignorance they had lived in shattered into tiny shards of glass that Edward and Ling had no choice but to step on.  Sayings that stuck to their tongues like barnacles, touches that were never felt and gazes that never focused were going to  be revealed\- shown bare to the other to see.

 

Edward takes in a deep breath, his heart wracking in his chest like a jack in the box whose lid  was blocked.  His fingers twitching with anticipation while his stomach felt like it  was filled  with worms- wriggling,  swirly  and panicky feelings swarming inside his stomach.

This was it. This thing that they had, this connection they had would finally  be explained. Edward would know where his feet stood, where his eyes could linger and where his fingers could touch.  The restriction set in his chest could finally  be released  (whether it  was requited  or not, he could start to breathe around Ling  authentically  with no secret feelings attached).

"Emperors, bodies and saving Amestris kinda gets in the way," Edward comments, his voice low and covered in a fake casual tone. His hand on the outside of them reaching up to scratch at the back of his neck as his teeth chewed on the gum of his bottom lip. The anticipation that seeped deep in his bones rising and falling like a Ferris wheel.

"I don't think  I know how to- to talk about it," Ling continues, crossing one of his legs over the other. His eyebrows shaped like daggers, pointed downwards at his inner eyes.  The  unnecessarily  conflicted look on his face making Edward's stomach sink, the worms starting to chew at his insides.

Edward sighs, his eyes taking in  all of  Ling. The long black hair swept up in a bun, his fringe licking at the sides of his face. The moon masking over it, making parts of it shine and bloom under the nights influence.  Dark eyes that gloss over everything with a soft look, taking everything in like they were the petals of a huge flower.  Shoulders strong and structured, with collarbones so prominent Edward was sure they'd  been exaggerated  on Ling's skin somehow.

And then they're eyes meet, and Edward realises Ling had been doing the same thing.

His heart flickers in his chest as Ling's eyes wander from his eyes to his lips, a small noise escaping him as Ling's cheeks flushes.  His fingers reach out  hesitantly  , almost sparking as their fingers touch and mingle with each other. Their bodies twisting more and more so they were facing each other.

Edward tries to form the words in his head, the feelings that have  been tied  around his brain and the words that only a couple of seconds ago were sitting on his tongue.  His heart tightens in his chest, the thought of baring himself completely and  utterly  , scaring the shit out of him.  The liberation he associated with confessing, being completely rewritten with the fear of Ling not understanding- or even worse, Edward not understanding Ling.

He realises that neither him or Ling, are ready to have this conversation.  After years, they're still tipping around each other, like the other is the floor when playing the floor is lava.

"I have an idea," Edward says, swallowing the liquid (or  maybe  it was his heart? He didn't fucking know) gathering in his throat. His tongue darting over his lips  quickly  as a nervous reflex.  His cheeks turning bright red as he realised Ling watching his tongue, Ling squeaking in embarrassment in return.

"Oh that's not good," Ling replies, a smirk pulling across his face. His eyes affectionate and wanting, gleaming over Edward. Edward's eyes gleaming on him in  equivalent  exchange.

"No it's not good.  It includes us completely ignoring everything we need to talk about, but with reaping the benefits.  Like using a philosophers stone," Edward says,  hesitantly  resting his hands behind Ling's head, the tips of his fingers sinking into his hair. A determined look on his face.

Ling nods, his hands  smoothly  wrapping around Edward's waist.  His breaths slow and meticulous- as if he had thought about this moment for years and was finally putting his fantasies to real life.

Edward  lightly  pulls Ling's head to him and kisses him.  His hands wind through Ling's hair as Ling's arms wrap tighter across his waist, pulling Edward closer. Their kisses like feathers- soft, but ticklish so the other retaliates and gives them back.

Ling pulls away from the kisses  slowly , not wanting to break away from Edward. His thumbs rubbing at Edward's waist as Edward rests his nose on Ling's.

Eyes still closed, Edward hums  quietly.  His heart feeling overwhelmed with joy, knowing that the feeling that had been sitting on his chest for years was real. That he didn't make up the looks or the touches. That they were real.

They were real. This was real. Ling Yao, Emperor of Xing wanted to kiss him- and using valid evidence, had wanted to for a very long time.

Edward smiles  widely, the dimples in his cheeks pressed into his face with love. The promise he made with his fifteen year old self forgotten, and overshadowed by Ling, and Ling and Ling.

"I've  been assigned  Al's bedroom but, can we share yours?" Ling whispers, his voice shy like he had taken ages to drag up the courage.

Nodding, Edward pulls Ling to his feet, his hands running over Ling's  naturally, as if they had always done.  Their voices running down into a whisper as they walk to Edward's room, their feet light to not wake either Winry or Pinako up.

Edward  quietly  pulls some night clothes out for Ling, his smile turning even sappier as Ling  purposely  wraps his hands around Edward's before taking them off him.  The smile  seemingly  tattooed on his skin as he shrugs off his own clothes and gets changed for bed, his lips buzzing with aftershock .

With a spring in his step, Edward shuffles into the bed so that he's the closest to the wall. His excitement washing over him and making him open the sheets ready for Ling to slide in for a snuggled sleep.

"In my dreams I always thought you'd be the little spoon," Ling says with a yawn before letting out a hum of satisfaction as Edward wraps his arms  tightly  around Ling's middle. His lips curled into a happy, elated smile.

"I think  I like it better this way anyway," Ling comments, Edward's face snuggling into his neck. His eyes falling, Edward's arms around him making it easier to sleep. Edward following soon after.

* * *

 "Al? How long have you been back for!" Winry yells, pulling Alphonse into a hug.  Her arms too tight around Alphonse making his smile turn  slightly  sour, his arms wrapping around her in return nonetheless.

"Last night!  I didn't want to wake any of you up so I  just  went to bed," Alphonse explains, grabbing the milk bottle beside him and gulping it all in one go.

His heart of gold shining through the kitchen and somehow making the sun glow brighter in the room. His smile making Winry calm, the thought of the three of them at home making the house feel complete.

"Oh, I thought Ling was staying in your bed," Winry says  absently  before shrugging her head and moving to the cupboard to make herself some breakfast. The spring in her step making the room feel lighter and happier.

"Ling's here?" Alphonse asks, his tone filled with surprise.  His bottle being set on the table  audibly  with his eyebrows scrunched with confusion- what was an Emperor, with a country to take care of, doing in Resembool?

"Yeah, didn't you see him sleeping on the sofa?" Winry says, her lips twisting into a pout. Her eyebrows angling as mechanical gears twisted around her head.

"No?" Alphonse says with a confused look, before  suddenly  his face turns to shock.  His mouth forming a small 'o' as Winry stops looking through the figure for her breakfast, the look on her face identical to Alphonse's .

"Did he sleep?"  Winry starts, her eyes blinking fast, the open fridge  quickly  forgotten for the rumours on Edward's love life .

Alphonse's fingers play with the indents of the glass bottle as his eyes lock with Winry's, the same teasing glint forming in their eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i finally got al in a chapter :')  
> also i cant write kisses for shit i am so sorry  
> also. the ending is such a. clique but i love.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He gulps, the anxiety crawling in his stomach and his brain screaming at him: telling him to stop, telling him that the secrets between them was fine and that this would ruin everything. 
> 
> He shoved them down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay! so theres a panic attack in here from the mention of nina to 'ling sighs' also erm. this chapter is pretty erm, packed with like guilt and stuff so be weary! also this chapter is rlly long!! sorry! also erm, theres mention of panic attacks all throughout this chapter so be safe!

Sunlight seeps into the windows like how feathers fall to the ground: soft and twirling around the room until they land. Beams of light kiss across Ling's face as he shuffles, his eyes opening and settling on Edward's face. A smile curling across his lips and an arm smoothing over Edward's waist. 

Edward slaps a hand across his face, fuchsia blooming across his face. His stomach filled with butterflies that pushed and pulled at every edge. While chewing on his lips, he fills with nervousness, that settles beneath the butterflies and makes him feel hollow. 

They had to talk about their feelings. It was inevitable.  

It scared Edward down to his core and made his heart feel like it was shaking in his chest. Made his hands tingle with panic and his breath pick up like a bee trying to fly through a window: persistent and repetitive.  

The thought of baring his feelings, baring his life to Ling making his stomach swim with panic. His heart swarming with conflicting feelings- excited with the ease he knew would gain from releasing himself to Ling, frightened at the possibility of Ling not understanding or rejecting his feelings. 

That was stupid. Ling wasn't like that.  

"Morning," Ling whispers, pressing a kiss to Edward's cheek. His fingers lightly rubbing at Edward's waist. His smile full of affection and adoration, the corners of his lips pulled tightly with joy. 

Edward wondered if they'd stay like that. He doubted it. 

"Morning," Edward replies before resting his hand on Ling's face. His heart expanding as Ling's smile got even wider, the nervousness poking at his every side lessening as Ling winks at him. An embarrassed sigh escaping him.  

Edward smiles, his smile feeling too big and too great on his face as if he didn't deserve to feel this joy and happiness. The affection- the everything he felt for Ling glossing over his insecurities and making them seem less valid.  

He gulps, the anxiety crawling in his stomach and his brain screaming at him: telling him to stop, telling him that the secrets between them was fine and that this would ruin everything. 

He shoved them down. 

"I was really- I was really pissed when you left. You didn't even, acknowledge the feelings we had, you just left. I even, I even said to you 'so erm, sorry it won't, go anywhere' and you, you replied with, with 'what won't go anywhere?' and I could see in your face that you knew exactly what the fuck I was talking about and," Edward says, looking Ling in the eye. His thoughts jumbling and scrambling as he tries to drag up every emotion and every thought he had when Ling had left. His mind wandering into dark places as he puts himself back there, back into the place where Alphonse didn't have a body and the place where Winry constantly wracked with anxiety and the place where so many people died- so many people died and it was his fault. 

It was all his fault, and he was back there watching them die and knowing that if he didn't exist they'd still be alive.  

"You made me feel like a fucking idiot Ling. Like a fucking fool," Edward continues, burying those memories down, trying to focus on Ling. Trying to focus on the anger and the pining he left and most of all, the loneliness and rejection that maybe, he was sad enough to make up Ling's attraction to him.  

Ling sighs with regret, his fingers moving to play with the front of Edward's shirt out of awkwardness and guilt. His eyes occasionally fleeting upwards to connect with Edward's, a guilty look on his face.  

"I used to- I used to sit in this bed thinking that maybe I made it up- our attraction," Edward continues, his throat feeling tight as the memories of everything they'd been through- everything he'd caused, trap him in at every angle. His stomach feeling as if someone was shoving sharp stones into it as his breath picked up. 

"I'm sorry. I knew that if I said something, I wouldn't be able to leave. I wanted both, to be emperor and you and if you'd said, I would have tried something dangerous. It would have been bad." Ling explains, a nervous chuckle attaching itself to his heartfelt speech. His fingers still playing with the front of Edward's shirt as if it was the only thing keeping him from bursting. 

Edward's eyes water, his breath catching and his insides feeling like shit- why didn't he think about Ling? Why didn't he think about what it would do to him, bringing up the promise day? Bringing up Greed, Fu and Lan Fan. Fuck, he was so stupid. Fuck he was so selfish. Fuck all he ever does is ruin people's lives. Why the fuck can't he be considerate? Fuck he's the worst.  

"Hey, tell me what's on your mind," Ling says, sliding his hand to rest at Edward's neck. His face etched with the grief, regret and sorrow of getting your childhood ripped away by a good cause. The smile on his face fake and masking something- something that Edward could feel deep in his bones but could not name.  

"I just did," Edward says, trying to prolong this conversation. Liquid gathering in his throat as he felt the memories crawl their way up his throat, pushing at his lips to release them. To cry and scream for the pain, the loss and a hug from his mother.  

"Okay, do equi- I don't know what it's called," Ling admits, a real smile tugging at his lips and pulling tiny beams of joy from his heart.  

"Equivalent exchange," Edward declares, a deadpan look on his face as Ling smiles at him innocently. The anxiety clawing at his stomach getting worse- the thought of dragging Ling into an uncomfortable position or pulling him into negative memories making him feel even more sick than he already did.  

"No that's a terrible idea. We'd fuel each other for bad memories," Edward says, his nose sniffling as Ling nods in agreement. Ling's hands rubbing at Edward's side: comforting and letting him know that he could always vent to Ling. That it was okay to hurt.  

Edward gulps, his lips quivering and his heart feeling as if it claws inside, trying to rip it apart from the inside. His teeth clenching, determined to not cry because it wasn't his place to cry. He couldn't cry. It was his fault, he'd be disrespecting every person he hurt along the way if he cried. He did this. He couldn't cry for himself. 

"A few days after Al got his body back, he had a panic attack. It was a really bad one, it was. We then. We then," Edward says, his hands reaching to roughly dab at his eyes to get rid of the tears. His breath catching again, the words struggling to get past his lips. His insides feeling heavy and dead.  

"We then found out that all this time, all that time he was in that armour, he'd been having panic attacks. Constantly. But we didn't know it because he didn't, because he didn't have a human body," Edward says, his breath getting even faster and the rocks in his stomach getting heavier and heavier. Thoughts and memories of being useless, of people dying and it's him, it's him, it's his fault and there is nothing he can do to change it. 

They got Alphonse's body back but they could never, they could never give him back his childhood.  

Edward's fingers scrape against his face, leaving imprints. 

Sleeping, eating, getting cold, being too hot and your face hurting because of smiling. They're all things Alphonse should have had and Edward, Edward stole them for, for what? He wasn't even able to get their mother back.  

"And Winry's been having panic attacks ever since we left the first time," Edward continues, frantically pushing hair behind his ears as a distraction. His breath wavering as he looks to Ling, his heart feeling like it wanted to rip out of Edward's chest and be gifted to him. 

"It's not your fault," Ling tells him softly, his eyes comforting and his heart warm and his arms caring. His meaning good, but his execution the worst. 

Edward's body fills with imaginary fluid. His throat feeling restricted, his breathing so tight that it was hard to get his words out. His body so heavy and wracked with anxiety and guilt and everything bad in-between. 

"That's what they used to say to me about Nina. A girl who died in my care, a girl who I could have saved, a girl that I should have saved," Edward explains and he can't help but let the tears seep out of him. His breath catching so tightly in his chest that he couldn't breathe.  

The room around him becoming swirly. Thoughts of everyone watching him, everyone knowing what he did, everyone knowing that he didn't save Nina making his eyes flash around the room, hyperventilation taking over. 

Ling's face becoming slow and scrutinising- too close, too much, Ling was too close. He needed some space. He needed to breathe. 

He couldn't breathe. Fuck he couldn't breathe. 

Panic attack. 

"Hey, hey sit up," Ling says, pulling Edward's body upright. His hands too tight around Edward's shoulders. His face too close.  

He's watching Edward. He hates Edward. He wishes he could be anywhere else but here with Edward. 

Fuck, fuck, fuck. He's trapped Ling into a situation he can't get out of. 

Fuck he's making Ling uncomfortable. 

Fuck he can't breathe. He can't breathe. He can't breathe. 

He can't slow down his breathing, he can't stop feeling eyes around him, he can't stop. He can't stop. He can't stop. 

"Okay look at me. 1,2,3,4,5," Ling says calmly, moving out of Edward's personal space. Trying to get Edward to mirror his movements. His movements acting like a tether, a life support to Edward who tries his hardest to copy- his breath slowly calming and the eyes disappearing one by one.  

Ling sighs and ducks his head down to the bed. His body covered in exhaustion. His body sunken inwards and his breathing heavy. 

Fuck. Edward would have to apologise for that later. 

Fatigue washes over Edward's body like a wave. His limbs turning limp and his eyes drooping with tiredness. His insides seemingly sinking into the bed. Sweat sticking to his skin and panic hovering over him like a hangover. 

"We'll get it back. Pinako promised us we'd get our childhood back. We'll get it back," Ling says, his voice filled with fierce determination, regardless of the fact that what he said was a lie. They couldn't get it back, and yet Edward found himself wanting it more than he's wanted anything in his life.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i felt like this was. an important chapter bc. they need to talk abt their issues and also i think it. works well with the childhood theme i accidentally put onto this fic.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "To tell the truth we only brought you up here to tease you about sharing a bed with Ling," Winry confesses, mostly to change the subject and partly to rile Edward up. Her lips upturning into a smirk and her fingers moving to poke at Edward's shoulders playfully. A glint of mischief glossing over her eyes. A laugh escaping her as Alphonse joined in, fingers poking at Edward's shoulders at both sides.

Edward looks down to his food, his stomach lurching and begging him not to eat.  

The aftershocks of his panic attack pushing him around like he was a speck of dust in intense wind. His brain jumbled and feeling as if it had been washed with soap: so overcome with bubbles that he didn't know what was real and what wasn't. Did everyone know what he did? Did everyone know that he was in a position to help Nina but was blinded by naivety? Or was that his mind, grabbing despair by the hands and dragging it back into his head.  

"Winry wants to go get groceries with you later, I asked to come but she said I had more laundry to do," Ling whines, plopping himself onto the bed, his lips pulled into a grumpy frown. His eyes laying upon Edward with a self-pitying expression. 

Edward tries to hum in acknowledgment, but finds that he can't. The exhaustion settled in his bones making it hard for him to do anything at all. His mind slow, still full of soap and still blurry.  

Instead he looks over to Ling and tries to tell him with his eyes that he's listening. His heart somehow responding to the stimuli, and beating as Ling smiles at him with his big, goofy, pretty smile.  

"Pinako must hate me, the laundry, again," Ling says, continuing with his rant. His head whacking onto the bed and his limbs moving up and down in protest- careful not to touch Edward.  

Edward's heart burns in his chest, guilt still churning through his body. He didn't want to have to do this, he didn't want to bother Ling with this or bother Ling at all. But the thought, the thought of someone touching him (regardless of who it was) reminded him of the eyes, the eyes watching him everywhere and making him unable to breathe- the thought of hands all over him smothering him making him feel sick again.  

"You hardly did any of it," Edward whispers, managing to shove the words out of his mouth. His hand slowly reaching to pick up his spoon. Still not ready to eat, but knowing that he had to.  

Ling laughs, his hand cupping his mouth and his eyes wide with glee. Blooming with pride and happiness, Edward smiles hesitantly as Ling laughs, that love sick smile written across Ling's face.  

* * *

 

"Hi brother!" Alphonse greets as Edward walks out of the house, his hand waving and a toothy smile sitting on his face. His hand resting on the fence beside him for support. 

"Al? Alphonse!" Edward yells, his legs moving faster than his brain and running towards Alphonse. His arms spread out to tackle him into a hug. His metal leg smashing into Alphonse and making them both topple onto the ground. The joy settling in his stomach raw, as if the morning had never existed.  

His brother was back. His brother was back and safe and still had a body. His brother was happy, and that made him happy too.  

"You didn't say you were coming back so soon!" Edward says, a wide smile on his face as he pulls Alphonse up. He slaps a hand to Alphonse's shoulder playfully, before turning back and waving for Winry to come over.  

"You need to remember that I'm not a suit of armor anymore brother," Alphonse says with a huff, spreading his arms out to balance himself. His face sweet- no hints of malice written across his face but his words stabbing into Edward's stomach. 

Edward's stomach pools- Alphonse would always be slightly weaker than everybody else his age, and whose fault was that? The pebbles from earlier pressing against his lips, waiting for him to fuck up again or remember a past fuck up and push the stones into his stomach. 

His teeth start to chew at his gum, his eyes quickly casting downwards to the floor with guilt. His eyes pricking with tears but his eyebrows twisted into a determined expression- he wasn't going to do this again. Not in the same day. Not in front of Winry and Alphonse. 

"Ed, you okay?" Winry asks, grabbing onto Edward's shoulders and shaking him a little. Her eyes searching for something, searching for something to explain his behavior so she could help him. Her eyes the ones of a doctor: trying to find the cause to help the effect and, trying to help him.  

Edward's teeth clench tightly, memories of Winry's parents (the very few he had) flashing in his mind, the bright blue scientific eyes hurting his brain like a flash to a camera. Memories of Winry crying over and over and over making anger swim in his stomach and tears scratch at his eyes. 

"Ed?" Alphonse says, waving a hand in front of Edward, breaking him out of his thoughts.  

Taking a deep breath, Edward closes his eyes in gratefulness. His hand rubbing at his forehead as he looks at the real world once again.  

Winry and Alphonse's faces there, supporting him through it as they always did. The three of them together, like it always was.  

Their tainted childhoods all entangled with each other, like they were flies on the same spiders web- crawling, squirming and fighting their way to get off the web but. But they never could.  

Truth or God, or whatever that thing was, ate them whole and didn't bother giving anything back. Sometimes, sometimes there were no equivalent exchange. Sometimes, life was just shit. Sometimes, childhoods couldn't be redeemed.  

Sometimes, it was okay not to be okay with that. Sometimes it was okay to lie to yourself and allow yourself to believe that you could get all the things that life (took away and) owed you.  

"I had a panic attack and, I'm- I'm rattled okay!" Edward confesses, flinging his hand away from his face and swinging it beside him. His feet moving quickly forwards to avoid Winry or Alphonse looking at his face. 

"Oh," Winry says, her hands moving to clutch at each other. Her eyes wandering over Edward's back with empathy. The feeling of a panic attack: the loss of breath, the weight in your stomach, thoughts of self-hate whirling through your mind so fast it seems like it's never ending and the aftermath. The tension stuck in your bones for the rest of the day- even if the rest of the day is happy and jolly, even if you're laughing the tension is still there sticking under your skin like a bomb. 

"I was, I was talking to Ling about, about feelings. Go on! Tell me that's impossible!" Edward shouts, his arms waving about again. The tone of his voice covered with affection, love and most of all, embarrassment. His footsteps getting even faster, making the idea of him blushing a reality. 

"You did?" Alphonse says with a cheerful voice, trying to catch up with his brother. His eyes brightening up, the thought of Edward doing something for himself after everything, making him smile.  

"Good for you Ed!" Winry exclaims, pumping her hand into the air enthusiastically before slapping him on the shoulder. Her enthusiasm ridiculously warm and exciting, making Alphonse smile even more and Edward get even redder. 

Edward throws a sour face at her, his body hunching forward from the hit. His face too red and his lips curled into an embarrassed and sappy smile. Before the corner of his lips turn down a little. 

"And it, it brought it all up," Edward tells them, and everything goes quiet for a minute. An unspoken unity between the three of them, that they had all been in the same position and would be in that position again. The knowing that they would have a panic attack again, that they would have a nightmare again and guilt and pain and regret and hurt again.  

"Oh," Alphonse says to break the silence. His fingers fiddling with the shopping list sitting in his pocket.  

"To tell the truth we only brought you up here to tease you about sharing a bed with Ling," Winry confesses, mostly to change the subject and partly to rile Edward up. Her lips upturning into a smirk and her fingers moving to poke at Edward's shoulders playfully. A glint of mischief glossing over her eyes. A laugh escaping her as Alphonse joined in, fingers poking at Edward's shoulders at both sides.  

"Shut up!" Edward yells, trying to run away from the two of them. His voice getting higher pitched and his lips curled impossibly wide in a cheesy smile. His heart beating loudly and boomingly in his chest as his stomach swirled with happiness and affection. The embarrassment mostly being buried by the realisation that that actually happened. 

He actually shared a bed with Ling. He actually spooned Ling. He actually kissed Ling. He actually told Ling how he feels. He actually, actually did all of that.  

"Well I'm proud of you for going for it!" Alphonse says, catching up with Edward and swinging his arm over his shoulders. Winry running up at the other side and doing the same. 

The way that they used to walk together when they were kids- holding hands with their parents trailing behind, flashing behind Edward's eyes like a sensitive tooth. A good memory, tainted with the effects of it.  

"It's either me or waiting twenty thousand years for Winry to confess to Paninya," Edward says, trying to cover his embarrassment with Winry's. His smile turning sinister, the pass over of embarrassment to Winry the cleverest thing he's ever done in his life. A sense of pride settling in his stomach and his back straightening with arrogance.  

"Shut your fuck!" Winry says, hitting Edward lightly on the head. Her eyes scrunched with embarrassment and her lips twisted with annoyance. Her voice loud with embarrassment.  

Her eyes opening a second later, a sweet and affectionate smile forming on her face as she thinks about Paninya. A sigh whimsically escaping her like how a butterfly escapes it's cocoon- gracefully and joyfully.  

"I still don't know where we stand," Edward comments, kicking at the dirt beneath his feet. His eyes glossed over with a worried look, the idea of rejection of this being a onetime thing making his stomach sink. A tiny frown painting itself across his face.  

"Well then, okay! If you find out what you and Ling are I'll confess to Paninya!" Winry shouts with a huge and wide grin. Her body filling with determination and enthusiasm. Her hands moving to settle at her hips confidently. 

Edward smiles and holds out his hand for Winry to shake, knowing that he'd do anything to make her happy. Knowing that she'd do anything to make him happy. 

Knowing that they were doing this deal to make each other happy.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He was everything I imagine an older brother to be like," Ling tells him quietly, the secret twirling around the air like a snowflake falling to the ground. It's start harsh but idealistic, before it melts and becomes a fantasy- something that could never, ever be forever. No matter how you led your life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry i took so long to update...i actually wrote a chapter ages ago but it. got deleted and it put me off writing the next chapter for a while...i had to change my whole idea for this chapter because of it feihbutrb

Edward winds his fingers through Ling's hair, softly pushing Ling closer as they kissed. His legs slotting in between Ling's, the metal of his leg making Ling shiver. 

Arms grip around his waist, lightly twisting at the fabric. Ling's hair tickling softly at his jaw as Ling tilts his head. 

His heart tight with affection in his chest with his fingers gripping at Ling's neck. A hum vibrating against Ling's lips as Ling tries to pull Edward even closer to him.  

Edward rubs his fingers softly against Ling's nape as he pulls away from the kiss. A gasp escaping his lips as he opens his eyes: his sight flooded by Ling. Swirly and sappy feelings brewing in his stomach like a stew- sizzling deep in his stomach, thoughts and questions threatening to burst out of his mouth and burn Ling's tongue.  

Ling smiles at him, the dimples on his cheeks seemingly hand pressed and perfectly shaped and placed. The moonlight dusting over his kissed lips, making them shine and even more kissable than before. His long hair curling around his face, his fringe misplaced and crisscrossing over his face like crochet. The wind from the window harsh against his skin, making his long eyelashes flutter and dance in the wind. 

Edward takes in a breath, before bringing Ling's head closer to him. His forehead lightly knocking with Ling's, his eyes closing as their foreheads touched. The question sitting on Edward's tongue like a firework, ready to spark and hit anything and everything in its way. Panic swarms in Edward's stomach- part of him wanting to kiss Ling until the sun came up without any mention of feelings, thoughts or the outer world and the other wanting to pull Ling apart like a jigsaw puzzle. 

Ling hums, and waits for Edward to speak. His fingers rubbing tiny circles at Edward's hips. 

"I've wanted to ask you so many questions but I, I never knew how to without being intrusive but. Al's helped me with the phrasing," Edward says, his breath too minty (from brushing his teeth) against Ling's lips. His eyes still shut in anticipation. His lips twisting and curling with anxiousness.  

Running the conversation he had with Alphonse through his head, he tried to pick out everything of importance. His eyebrows scrunching with focus. The words 'phrase it so he can always avoid the sensitive stuff' reeling through Edward's head over and over.  

Ling hums again and presses a sweet kiss against Edward's cheek in encouragement. His lips opening to say something, before succumbing to silence. His words resting on his mouth, waiting for their appropriate time to be spoken.  

"What was Greed like? Other than an annoying bastard that is" Edward asks, pulling away from Ling and putting his head on the pillow, his hands moving away from Ling's neck. His stomach fills with contradicting feelings as Ling rests his head on Edward's chest- the nervousness of asking the question strangely mixing with the happiness and content that Ling was cuddling him so sweetly. The feelings wrapping around each other in his stomach as if they were wrestling each other and fighting for dominance- Edward's stomach hitting rock bottom as nervousness won.   

A sigh escapes Edward's lips, the stars twinkling in his eyes as he looked out the window. The panels of glass dirty and blurry, making the deep blue colour of the sky slightly green and the bright white of the stars turn sickly. The quiet squeaking of the window doors methodical, as if matching to every spike of Edward's nerves, adding to his panic. Blasts of wind pushing against the curtains, making them fly inches from Edward's face- a close call. 

"He was everything I imagine an older brother to be like," Ling tells him quietly, the secret twirling around the air like a snowflake falling to the ground. It's start harsh but idealistic, before it melts and becomes a fantasy- something that could never, ever be forever. No matter how you led your life.  

Edward wraps an arm around Ling tightly, his arm strong and supportive. His lips down turning into a frown, his stomach churning in his stomach as he mentally prepared for Ling's confessions. His heart clenching and squeezing in his chest as if it was being shoved into a tiny box and pulled back out again over and over and over.  

Taking a deep breath, Edward focuses on one of the stars in the sky. The brightest but also the tiniest. It's light so bright that it's hard for Edward to look at, but it's easier to look at the star to think about how it could have been Alphonse. It could have been Alphonse talking about how he misses his big brother- talking about how his big brother was dead and there was nothing he could do about it.  

It hurts, it hurts so much that Edward has to bring a hand to his chest and push at it to release some of the pain. His stomach twisting into a ball before tearing itself up into tiny pieces.  

"He always wanted to steal my things, was a huge dickhead, used every opportunity to take the piss!" Ling exclaims, the tone of his voice taking a roller-coaster. His voice getting high pitched in some places for emphasis and other places ducking down low to emphasise the higher tones. The change in tones too dramatic and meticulous to be natural- it was stupid for Ling to try and cover it up, but still he tried. 

It made Edward's heart hurt even more.  

"Laid down his life for me to be emperor," Ling mumbles, shuffling off of Edward. His body facing the window, as if waiting for somebody to be standing on the windowsill, like he used to in Edward's hotel room. Did Greed pick up that habit? Was Ling waiting for Greed? 

Edward swallows down the liquid gathering in his throat, his arm wrapping around Ling's middle and spooning him. His nose nuzzling into Ling's neck, trying to keep him as close to him as possible. The thought of Ling being alone right now (or Ling being alone ever) making a stone stick deep into his stomach. His lips pressing a comforting and quick kiss at Ling's nape. 

"I don't even want it anymore," Ling grumbles, pulling Edward's arms tighter around his body, and Edward wishes he didn't know what Ling was referring to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry that this chapters a bit off....hugtir


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Come do jack shit with me," Ling says, holding out his arms. Sheets of all different colours swing in the wind behind him like a patchwork wallpaper. His lips curled into a sweet but playful smile, his eyes shining as if Edward was the center of the universe as his hair got swept up in the wind- like another dark sheet being swayed by nature.

Poorly kept grass wrangles its way in between Edward's toes, the frayed brown strands of grass tickling and irritating at his right foot. Sunlight beats down at his face and kisses at his nose and cheeks, the stark yellow of its beams attacking his eyes and making them squint.  

Small clicking sounds of the washing line pegs blend into the wind, as Edward throws the laundry over the line and clips them into place. A string of sighs and groans escaping him as he drops one of the sheets onto the grass, again. His eyes swinging behind him to glare at Ling as he wraps the sheets around his hands in frustration.  

"I think Pinako gives me laundry chores because she knows I hate them," Ling concludes, playing with the ripped grass in his hands. His legs crossing over each other elegantly, his back laid across the grass with an arm swinging casually across his face to cover his eyes. The sun dancing across his face as his voice plays with a pained tone, before he sighs comically, his arm lifting off of his eyes to give Edward a playful look.  

Edward sighs, his lips pulling into a strained smile. Gusts of wind push the sheets on the washing line harshly, the sheets folding and twisting as the wind pushes them in conflicting directions. The pegs on the line waving through the air with the sheets: twisting like a Catherine wheel firework.   

"I don't know why she assigns you anything because you do jack shit," Edward comments, throwing the bundle of sheets into Ling's lap. His lips curling into a smile as Ling sits up: his arm resting across his knee elegantly as his other arm wrangles through his hair to pull at the grass mingled in it. Sunlight tries to crawl into the folds of Ling's eyes as he squints at the sun and Edward feels a lovesick sigh sitting at his throat. 

"Come do jack shit with me," Ling says, holding out his arms. Sheets of all different colours swing in the wind behind him like a patchwork wallpaper. His lips curled into a sweet but playful smile, his eyes shining as if Edward was the center of the universe as his hair got swept up in the wind- like another dark sheet being swayed by nature.  

Edward takes in a deep breath as butterflies swarm through his stomach, and make him feel like the mystical forest they were flying through. His hands reach out and sink into Lings like a turtle returning to sea- returning to its home. 

The sun blazes on his back and bites at the skin uncovered as he towers over Ling, the laundry on the line trying to push past his head but instead acting as a pillow for him. His knees sinking into the grass, the squished shape of the grass mixing with Lings like their shapes weren't meant to be apart- returning to their home.  

"Like that old granny can tell me what to do anyway," Edward comments, his words false and stupid but bringing a sweet remembrance in his heart that made him feel young again.  

"Pinako's scary," Ling whines before laying back down into the grass, tugging Edward down so that he was lying beside him. A hand leaving Edwards to play with the grass as they both lay on their backs, the sun a lucky witness to their antics- their secrets, their confessions and their tenderness was mostly saved for the moons personal viewing.  

Edward looks to Ling, his heart filling to the brim with feather light confetti that was threatening to spill from his mouth through honey sweet words, like he was a piñata and Ling's smile was the bat. He gulps, nervousness swimming through his stomach as he tries to think of a way of, delicately, bringing up what Ling had mumbled last night. His brain tiring and tiring over every possibility Edward could think of, before crossing them with red ink. 

He bites at the inside of his cheeks and closes his eyes for a disaster.  

"I'm traveling around the world after you've gone," Edward tells him, the tone of his voice wavering and jumping. His fingers playing with Ling's nervously with his thumbs rubbing at the back of Ling's hand. Hoping that his tone of voice will convey his question, Edward closes his eyes and waits anxiously for Ling's answer. 

"Hmm? You've been doing that since the promised day?" Ling says, a hand moving the smack at the long strands of grass tickling at his face. His nose and lips scrunching as he swipes at the grass, making Edward's lips curl into a smile and his heart bloom like a flower.  

Edward groans and rubs a hand at his eyes, his heart jumping in his chest and his stomach swirling like a whirlpool. His teeth gnawing at his lips with nervousness. The blunt words tickling at his tongue, begging him to spill and tell Ling exactly what he means.  

He moves his hand from his face and twists his body so he's on his side, the Edward shaped place in the grass being changed and expanded as he moved. His eyes lock with Ling's, one of his hands resting on Ling's shoulder in support. 

"Yeah, I know, just. Don't go back there when it isn't what you want," Edward says, his lips pressing together sadly and his eyebrows scrunching with regret as Ling's eyes roll into the guilt and loss that he perceived to be fixed- when all he had to do was leave it all behind. He wasn't trapped. He could leave, and Edward couldn't understand why he hadn't already. 

Ling was never someone who didn't strive and fight for what he wanted. Ling was never someone who thought that things were fixed- in fact if you told Ling that he couldn't have something, he'd fight tooth and nail to get it even if it was useless to him. The greed that was passed down from his brother made sure that, if there was something to have then he would have it. 

Maybe it was losing the throne that wounded him, but why would you mourn something that would enable you to so much more? 

It made Edward wonder whether Ling had changed since he had saw him. It made him wonder if that recklessness was just fifteen year old Ling. Maybe adulthood changed him in a way that didn't affect Edward (he was still as reckless as when he was three years old). 

Ling gulp, his body shifting so he was laying on his side, directly looking to Edward. His eyebrows worrying and tilting downwards to his nose, his mouth shuffling and moving ready to release the trapped words behind his lips. His fingers resting at Edward's neck, needing the physical support that Edward was here. That Edward wouldn't leave. Edward wouldn't think he was awful for what he wanted: what he needed.  

"Stews ready!" Pinako yells, her words acting as scissors o the strings of unspoken words just shy of leaving Ling's mouth. His eyes wide, relief painting across his face- he didn't say it, he didn't say it so for now at least, his displeasure with being emperor doesn't exist.  

"Fuck yeah!" Alphonse yells from inside the house as Ling stands up and pulls Edward up. His fingers entwining with Edwards as they stroll up to the house.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 more chapters and its over....hh  
> i know it isn't over yet but i just wanted to say that! this fic has meant a lot to me and im so happy that other people enjoy it because i have absolutely adored writing it!! thank you to anyone who has read up this far, left kudos, subscribed and given comments because you have really helped me continue this and nearly finish it!!! i've never got this far with a multichapter fic so thank you all so much!!! :> <3  
> also!!!! im sorry not much of anything happened in this chapter fviuhvitrg i just wanted to. set the scene for the next chapter gvfturh


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